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An epiphany I had last night
Dec. 23rd, 2005 12:48 pmI was talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about people that were part of our childhood. We chatted from Daishuna ---- to Patrick ------. We made predictions of their futures. We told each other what we think would happen to them in the future. I wondered aloud, "What happened to Patrick -------? The last time I saw him was when I was in seventh grade," and my friend replied, "Well, ------ told me that he is living in Iowa."
I was utterly shocked. Patrick living in Iowa? The guy whose balls I had kicked when I was little living in Iowa? The guy who I had pretended to be a married couple with for three years? The guy who made me cry because he threw stones at me? The guy who I had choked because he stole my doll? I was so shocked because it suddenly occurred to me that I am actually growing up. I am losing people who were a big part of my childhood. Patrick was a big part of my childhood. We used to play all the time. We used to eat together. We used to scream at each other. We used to beat each other up. We used to make each other cry. Now...What is happening to those "used"? Are they going to be precious memories that I have come to treasure quite fondly? Will he remember those memories fondly or just remember them as useless memories? Will I ever see him again? Will I ever have the chance of beating him up again? Is he happy with his life? Is he not happy? Is he reminiscing the same memories as I am right now in his living room? Is he wondering about me too?
Another scary thought: I am growing up.
As a little girl, I used to always whine and bitch about how I'll never grow up. Well, I was certainly wrong: I am growing up now. When I think about my life: I think about the home situation I was in, old friends such as Patrick and Daishuna, major events that had a huge impact on me physically such as the tornado and the major body surgery, and guy troubles.
I have had this blog for like three or four years, and I have gone through the death of Grandma, the pain of Gina interfering in my life, the suffering of so-called romantically relationships, the woes of my personal relationships, the ache of knowing that I'll never have the relationship I want, the distress of growing up, and the agony of knowing. In the end would those woes ever matter? Will I look back and scoff at myself? Will those troubles ever matter anymore when I am finished growing up?
I guess I will never know the answer to that question.
*a personal note to my readers- I don't have feelings for Patrick. It is so weird that I am growing up.
P.S In June 2006 it'll be the three-year-anniversary of my grandma's death. What ever happened between June 2003 and June 2006?
I was utterly shocked. Patrick living in Iowa? The guy whose balls I had kicked when I was little living in Iowa? The guy who I had pretended to be a married couple with for three years? The guy who made me cry because he threw stones at me? The guy who I had choked because he stole my doll? I was so shocked because it suddenly occurred to me that I am actually growing up. I am losing people who were a big part of my childhood. Patrick was a big part of my childhood. We used to play all the time. We used to eat together. We used to scream at each other. We used to beat each other up. We used to make each other cry. Now...What is happening to those "used"? Are they going to be precious memories that I have come to treasure quite fondly? Will he remember those memories fondly or just remember them as useless memories? Will I ever see him again? Will I ever have the chance of beating him up again? Is he happy with his life? Is he not happy? Is he reminiscing the same memories as I am right now in his living room? Is he wondering about me too?
Another scary thought: I am growing up.
As a little girl, I used to always whine and bitch about how I'll never grow up. Well, I was certainly wrong: I am growing up now. When I think about my life: I think about the home situation I was in, old friends such as Patrick and Daishuna, major events that had a huge impact on me physically such as the tornado and the major body surgery, and guy troubles.
I have had this blog for like three or four years, and I have gone through the death of Grandma, the pain of Gina interfering in my life, the suffering of so-called romantically relationships, the woes of my personal relationships, the ache of knowing that I'll never have the relationship I want, the distress of growing up, and the agony of knowing. In the end would those woes ever matter? Will I look back and scoff at myself? Will those troubles ever matter anymore when I am finished growing up?
I guess I will never know the answer to that question.
*a personal note to my readers- I don't have feelings for Patrick. It is so weird that I am growing up.
P.S In June 2006 it'll be the three-year-anniversary of my grandma's death. What ever happened between June 2003 and June 2006?
