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Jun. 3rd, 2005 07:56 pmI hate my body. I hate how it ruins my life all the time. I hate how it makes me literally miserable. I'm crying so hard right now. Today, nearly everything caused me so much pain. I managed to not cry but when dad came home early from work. We got in a huge fight. You may ask why I'm crying about the fight?
Well we had a simple conversation and then he BLEW up at me.
Dad: so you didn't find any swimsuit that fits you good?
Me: Yeah it is so hard because most swimsuits are not made for my body.
Dad:Yeah
Me *in a calm casually tone*: Yeah when I get a job; I am going to save up money for clothes, college, and a FULL breast reduction surgery.
Dad:Full?
Me:Yes full
Dad: Small boobs?
Me:No boobs at all. Absolutely FLAT-CHESTED
Then that bastard blew up at me. He accused me of being a lesbian. I screamed at him and told him that it is not the reason why I want to get a FULL breast reduction surgery. He accused me of being a lesbian with a sick mind.
I yelled at him and said, "Well everyone know guys think girls with big boobs are SLUTS so that is why when they want to be in a serious relationship; they choose flat-chested/small-chested girls because everyone know huge-chested girls are SLUTS just like me. He started to tell me how women should have boobs because it is what makes them women and every woman has breasts. I pointed the fact that Rachel is practically flat-chested out to Dad and he lost his mind. He told me that Rachel has small boobs. I told him NO she nearly has flat breasts. We yelled at each other and etc. He told me that I should accept the body "Christ" gave me. I told him, "Well then why did God invent plastic surgery?". Everything then became pure hell. We are ignoring each other. He didn't even noticed that I am crying right now. I am so sick of my body. If there is someone who really want to make my life pure misery, then well congratulations to that person because it is certainly working. I honestly doesn't understand dad. He said that it is all right for me to get a breast reduction surgery. I guess he thought I wanted small boobs. Anyways it was so horrible when I was searching for swimsuits; they either doesn't fit or flatter my body. Honestly it is like I got all the bad and ugly genes from my parents. It is bad enough that I am ugly but no I have to be a fat ugly person. I would be so glad if I am a thin ugly person then at least something about me is good. I hate my boobs. I hate my shoulders. My shoulders are too big. They are not petite. My shoulders are clumsy, awkward, and ugly. My boobs and shoulders makes me look bigger and fatter. I am sure that I do look like a drag queen in a way. Hello? A girl with masculine shoulders and too-huge boobs.....Definitely sounds like a drag queen or at least a slut. I hate the old scars from the tornado I was in. My legs are not bad. They are not fat but no I have to have scars that makes them uglier. My arms are uglier from the scars too. It was so horrible when I was in the swimsuit department of Dillards. I felt so miserable and ready to burst into tears but I didn't. I just accepted it. But when dad came home, and then we got in that huge fight; I just lost it when I went to the internet for sanctuary. I just stopped crying. Wow LJ is a good form of therapy. Honestly I don't understand why thin ugly girls whine about not having extra fat. I have too much FAT in my body. I feel like a piece of shit. I know (I am sure) all guys would only date me for my boobs or the fact that I look like a fat drag queen. Oh yeah most fat girls are sluts so I have so many body parts that makes me appear as a slut/whore. I am so ugly from the outside to the inside. I am physically ugly. I am mentally ugly. Everything about me is ugly and deformed. I am a cross between a wrestler (my grandpa was a wrestler so it is where I got my wrestler shoulders from him), a drag queen, the fat opera lady you see on the viking-themed theater all the time, and an ugly scarred dog. Oh yeah I am like Chyna Lady on the season 4 of Surreal Life. Geez...No wonder why I'm mentally screwed up. Hey that makes sense. That is why most ugly people become scientists; because we need to be in a lab and cower behind our lab reports knowing that beauty comes from genes, and all the scientists always get the bad/ugly genes....Only the thin and beautiful people get all the good and beautiful genes.
Well we had a simple conversation and then he BLEW up at me.
Dad: so you didn't find any swimsuit that fits you good?
Me: Yeah it is so hard because most swimsuits are not made for my body.
Dad:Yeah
Me *in a calm casually tone*: Yeah when I get a job; I am going to save up money for clothes, college, and a FULL breast reduction surgery.
Dad:Full?
Me:Yes full
Dad: Small boobs?
Me:No boobs at all. Absolutely FLAT-CHESTED
Then that bastard blew up at me. He accused me of being a lesbian. I screamed at him and told him that it is not the reason why I want to get a FULL breast reduction surgery. He accused me of being a lesbian with a sick mind.
I yelled at him and said, "Well everyone know guys think girls with big boobs are SLUTS so that is why when they want to be in a serious relationship; they choose flat-chested/small-chested girls because everyone know huge-chested girls are SLUTS just like me. He started to tell me how women should have boobs because it is what makes them women and every woman has breasts. I pointed the fact that Rachel is practically flat-chested out to Dad and he lost his mind. He told me that Rachel has small boobs. I told him NO she nearly has flat breasts. We yelled at each other and etc. He told me that I should accept the body "Christ" gave me. I told him, "Well then why did God invent plastic surgery?". Everything then became pure hell. We are ignoring each other. He didn't even noticed that I am crying right now. I am so sick of my body. If there is someone who really want to make my life pure misery, then well congratulations to that person because it is certainly working. I honestly doesn't understand dad. He said that it is all right for me to get a breast reduction surgery. I guess he thought I wanted small boobs. Anyways it was so horrible when I was searching for swimsuits; they either doesn't fit or flatter my body. Honestly it is like I got all the bad and ugly genes from my parents. It is bad enough that I am ugly but no I have to be a fat ugly person. I would be so glad if I am a thin ugly person then at least something about me is good. I hate my boobs. I hate my shoulders. My shoulders are too big. They are not petite. My shoulders are clumsy, awkward, and ugly. My boobs and shoulders makes me look bigger and fatter. I am sure that I do look like a drag queen in a way. Hello? A girl with masculine shoulders and too-huge boobs.....Definitely sounds like a drag queen or at least a slut. I hate the old scars from the tornado I was in. My legs are not bad. They are not fat but no I have to have scars that makes them uglier. My arms are uglier from the scars too. It was so horrible when I was in the swimsuit department of Dillards. I felt so miserable and ready to burst into tears but I didn't. I just accepted it. But when dad came home, and then we got in that huge fight; I just lost it when I went to the internet for sanctuary. I just stopped crying. Wow LJ is a good form of therapy. Honestly I don't understand why thin ugly girls whine about not having extra fat. I have too much FAT in my body. I feel like a piece of shit. I know (I am sure) all guys would only date me for my boobs or the fact that I look like a fat drag queen. Oh yeah most fat girls are sluts so I have so many body parts that makes me appear as a slut/whore. I am so ugly from the outside to the inside. I am physically ugly. I am mentally ugly. Everything about me is ugly and deformed. I am a cross between a wrestler (my grandpa was a wrestler so it is where I got my wrestler shoulders from him), a drag queen, the fat opera lady you see on the viking-themed theater all the time, and an ugly scarred dog. Oh yeah I am like Chyna Lady on the season 4 of Surreal Life. Geez...No wonder why I'm mentally screwed up. Hey that makes sense. That is why most ugly people become scientists; because we need to be in a lab and cower behind our lab reports knowing that beauty comes from genes, and all the scientists always get the bad/ugly genes....Only the thin and beautiful people get all the good and beautiful genes.
